Over the festive period, I had relatively little planning, information processing and decision making to do – just interacting with family and playing the odd board game, interspersed with frequent breaks to rest the brain.
That made getting back into the swing of things after Christmas all the more difficult. I had got out of the habit of sticking to the rules and so immediately reverted to type by trying to find a way to fit more in to my day.
That is what inspired me to write this blog. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but whatever it ends up looking like, I have resolved to find a way of making it enjoyable. Otherwise, what’s the point?
I know now that I will never get back the life that I had before. I have tried and failed – the bear cannot be beaten and trying to beat it just makes life intolerable (or should that be unbearable?).
But I have found a new way of living that is worthwhile. It’s not where I wanted to get to, but it is a place that I am willing to reside.
Life is still hard – too hard sometimes. Most days, I manage to break myself by trying to take on one too many trivial task that almost anyone else would take for granted. It reminds me that the bear is never going to leave me alone. Every so often, at my lowest point, I find myself wishing that I had not survived.
But then I fall back on rule 10 and after a period of enforced rest, I start to remember what I still have. I get to see my two boys grow up and play some kind of role in their lives – which was looking unlikely for a while there – even if that role is just picking up their dirty pants and socks to put in the laundry!
Looking forwards, my aim is to make the most of the capabilities that I do have – and not worry about the ones I don’t. In some ways, I have an advantage over others – a life experience that is relatively rare. After all, not everyone has a bear!
Practically speaking, this means finding more ways to be instinctive – both as a way of doing things, as well as in the type of activities that I seek out. Writing this blog has been one such activity.
Who knows what might come next?
Whatever that is, I need to remember to take it slowly – “piano piano” as the Italians would say – and stick to the rules. Otherwise, that bear will be right there to give me a proper mauling, just like he is now after having written all this!
But then, I guess I always knew that rule 11 would apply in this case and I still chose to do it – well, there is rule 9 too, remember? At least I’ve enjoyed myself while fighting this bear. Time to fall back on rule 10 once again. Over and out.