Chapter 16: Moving on

There’s a fine line between curiosity and downright stupidity.

As it turns out, this is a line that I had unwittingly crossed on multiple occasions during the exploits recorded in the previous chapter.

The consequence of this has been an extended cycle of boom and bust – pushing myself to do things and so blowing myself out – that has only really just come to an end.

Note to self: Never. Try. That. Again

And so it is that I have come to the difficult decision that this will be my last ever post to this blog. It’s time for me to move on.

I have deliberately waited for a while before drawing this conclusion, in the hope that something significant might happen for me, but the inconvenient truth is that nothing much has changed over the last few months. Whilst I had hoped to continue to see improvements, the reality is that I have been treading water for a while now – trying the same things each day, but in a different order – a bit like moving the deckchairs around on the Titanic, perhaps?

That’s not necessarily a negative. I have at least found a way of living with which I am comfortable – a place to belong that I have finally made peace with, if you like. I won’t always choose to live there – almost inevitably, from time to time I will be tempted to step outside of my comfort zone – but at least I know now that such a place exists and what it costs me to operate outside of it for any significant length of time.

I started this blog when I was at my lowest ebb and I think it would be fair to say that it has served its purpose.

First and foremost, it has helped me to come to terms with my new life. But more than that, it has helped me to explain my challenges to family and friends. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that there was a point – indeed, many points – when it looked highly likely that this whole thing would break our family apart. But we have stuck it out – they have shown a willingness to tolerate and finally accept the new husband/dad in their lives and I have slowly and somewhat erratically inched my way back towards them.

Between us, my wife and I have managed to establish a stable foundation that should hopefully mean our family continues to be provided for. Whilst it’s not the life I would have wished for, I will take that over the alternative every day of the week.

As for the future, I will continue trying to put my best foot forward in life. If sometimes I succeed when I wasn’t expecting to, I will revel in it. If I fail, I will accept that it wasn’t meant to be this time and hold my head up, knowing that I gave it my best shot.

Either way, it’s all upside.